If I were Oprah Winfrey, I would weigh 200 pounds too.

If I were Oprah Winfrey….

I would hire the Magnolia Bakery owner to bake treats for me 24 hours a day.

I would fund a news program that debunked every single lie that slithered out of sewage spewing mouths of Sean Hannity,  Rush Limbaugh and Mike Huckabee  The program would also highlight the incestuous connections that poison mainstream media.

I would give Joe Lieberman and Governor Hot Rod millions to retire.  Just go away!

I would make Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart have dinner with me once a month because no one says no to me.  They would have to dress up and perform skits written by me!

I would play passive aggressive practical jokes on  Rupert Murdoch, Tina Brown, Arianna Huffington and Jann Wenner.  Just because.

I would build a separate house and hire  a full-time dog walker  for my dog, Morpheus.

I would make Ben Silverman create a show around the Midwest Teen Sex Show.

I would find a way to have Donald Trump deported to Zimbabwe.  Ha ha Mugabe, he’s your problem now!

I would have Joe Conason read me bedtime stories.

I would have Grace Jones perform for me on my birthday.

I would buy a private island, rename it Oprahphenia and have people perform interpretative dances to win an invitation to be considered for a visit.

I would pay the following ‘actresses’ to stop ‘acting’:  Jessica Biel, Kate Hudson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton.  They can do ad campaigns and show up to nightclubs instead.

I would kill anyone who airs The Hills.  Not maim. Not blind with acid.  K-I-L-L. And most likely feed their body to Morpheus.

I would build a house with indoor plumbing, cable and the Internet here.

And I would have  fried chicken, chocolate cupcake and champagne for dinner every night!

Photo via american-buddha.com

Media moment of the day – Alec Baldwin & David Letterman

I didn’t watch the Emmys and considering how much television I watch…

(yes, I’m one of the carbon based lifeforms who watched that awful Rachel Zoe show on Bravo), I should have been all up in the Emmys with some champagne and chicken wings.

Good for the 30 Rock and Mad Men (two of my favorite shows) wins but I must admit being more consumed with the nuts and bolts of real life is taking precedence over the career triumphs of characters I only know via an oversized television screen.   Lately, the hope that the audience (okay, me) will be so invested in a TV show that I want to celebrate its real world successes seems kinda lame to me.

I could be using that time to do anything else other than bask in the media created frenzy of who wins, who loses and who wore what.

And now I can return to maintaining a healthy respectful relationship with my television.

Does this mean I’m growing up?

AOL Television’s of Emmy Awards ‘08

Coup on 30 Rock!

Oh no, the creator of MILF Island was dethroned!

And Tracy Jordan created a porn video game. Manchildren, across the land, rejoice in the bounty and intelligence of their Lord…

April 10, 2008 all the geeks will rejoice to see Judah, Tracy, Alec and Ms. Fey once again.