A small request to Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone Penn Ritchie:

Please don’t move to New York.  Please.  Miami is better than New York.  You know it. I know it.  You love Miami.  And Miami loves you.

Don’t come to New York. We suck, remember?  So take your hot divorced mama action to Miami.

L & K,

Tallulah

Divorce is never fun….

says a woman who has never been married.

I imagine it must be a drag to change your entire routine to accommodate someone’s need to grow without you.

And to do it in the public eye with some vulture masquerading as a journalist feasting on the carcass of your dead relationship?

Not fun at all.

So I’m not going to laugh or heap opprobium on any of the parties involved in the latest celebrity marriage that seems headed for the land of asset review, custodial arrangements and lawyers.

Spokeswoman: Madonna and Guy Ritchie to Divorce [AP]

Madonna, Guy Ritchie Divorcing [E! Online]

Although I enjoyed reading about Christie Brinkley’s ex-husband’s love of porn,

Don’t they look incredibly happy?

I’m not sad that they settled.

Peter Cook deserved the humiliation but it was beginning to be too much, even for me (especially when he had to detail his online masturbation habit.)

In exchange for not having Cook’s present and ex girlfriends testify about his other habits, he receives $2.1M and Brinkley receives custody of the kids and the real estate.

Although many people feel that Brinkley is vile, obnoxious and vengeful for insisting on an open trial, I don’t. She wanted to eviscerate him for hurting her and she did it. And for people who worry about their children, I say if the children can survive finding out that their father was having sex with an 18 year old, they can survive the other revelations as well.

Christie Brinkley, Peter Cook divorce ends with settlement [NY Daily News]

What Diana Bianchi received from Peter Cook for being his side girl…

• $2000 watch

• Lingerie from Victoria’s Secret (which would have been a dealbreaker for me — what’s wrong with Agent Provocateur for a man who is trying to mack?)

• $15,000 down payment for a car

• Cash payments for various

• $300,000 for her to keep her mouth shut after the affair was discovered

You know what that makes him right?

A PIMP!

And she only had sex with him 10 times and got all that ish! Think of the women who sleep with some men for a lifetime and only have an STD, kids and massive debt  to show for it!

Peter Cook’s young lover oh-so-cool in court [NY Daily News]

Linkarrhea!

Amy Whinehouse has emphysema yet may still perform. [Guardian UK]

Pimping the misery of divorce. And no the story isn’t about Denise Richards. Shocking, right? [CNN]

What to do when your husband cheats on you with a much younger woman. Christie Brinkley don’t play. [The Independent]

My friend’s blog got canceled by 20th Century Fox [Director's Assistant Blog]

I want the dress that Elise Neal is wearing. [Necole Bitchie]

Nothing is good enough for Katherine Heigl. Nothing [Lainey Gossip]

Star Jones and Dwayne Wade kissing in a tree….

Supposedly they are dating.  Damn, Star, you work fast!

When your marriage doesn’t work out, do not go to counseling or bitch to your friends. Do what Tricia Walsh-Smith did to her millionaire hubby instead:

Takeaway: When married to a millionaire, either use his contacts to ensure that you can afford to live postmarriage, have him give you lots of jewelry to have some major I’ve been dumped money (see Ellen Barkin & Ronald Perelman) or save money from your allowance.

Ellen Barkin jewel collection nets $20M (USA Today)

Tricia Walsh-Smith: is revenge now a dish best served online? (Telegraph.co.uk)

Heather Mills is an excellent role model for her daughter.

Especially after dousing Paul McCartney’s attorney with water in the courthouse.

This is another example of how men invariably love to choose the craziest girl to marry, breed and sometimes leave. My Tallulah crazy girl meter tingles from looking at pictures of Heather Mills; how could Paul McCartney not know that this bundle of lunacy wouldn’t cost him a pretty penny down the road?