Linkarrhea, October 20th

Adam Serwer of The American Prospect responds to Patrick Buchanan’s bleating about white Americans losing ‘their’ country:

Black Americans have shed blood in every American war since the Revolution. This country, even the very Capitol building in which today’s legislators now demand to see the birth certificate of the first black president, was built on the sweat and sinew of slaves. Before we were people in the eyes of the law, before we had the right to vote, before we had a black president, we were here, helping make this country as it is today. We are as American as it gets. And frankly, the time of people who think otherwise is passing. If that’s the country Buchanan wants to hold onto, well, he’s right, he is losing it.

Good riddance.

Tis a pity how reality must intrude into Mr. Buchanan’s brain.

It’s funny when a former police commissioner has to go to jail. It’s even funnier when it’s Rudy Giuliani’s best friend Bernie Kerik! [NY News]

Oprah and Sarah. November 16th. I’m taping that ish! [The Caucus, NY Times]

Making the bigotry of Judge Keith Bardwell of Louisiana a tool for social justice. [The Unemployment Cafe]

The heart breaks for Rush Limbaugh. He was so close to achieving what, I presume, was a lifelong fantasy for him: becoming a NFL team owner. But unfortunately the reality of the free market that he once loved with his big mouth self. How does it happen that a man who says the most obnoxious things for stacks of cash doesn’t understand that a multibillion dollar enterprise doesn’t want to be tainted by his wacky, divisive antics? [Michael Wilbon, The Standard]

Dear Mr. President, I’d rather you fight for the Public Option than fight Fox News. [Telegraph]

I wanted to be Devin Friedman’s black friend first!

Lionsgate and Harpo Films Say Yes to WILL YOU BE MY BLACK FRIEND? Starring Chris Rock [Yahoo Finance]

Dear Devin Friedman [Tallulah Bankhead]

Is it funny that Oprah gave Africa a school and America a way to get free, riot causing grilled chicken?

Grilled Chicken a Kentucky Fried Chicken Fiasco [Ad Age]

Because I have no soul, I hope the whorish producers of ‘Dateline’ ante up some dough for Levi Johnston to tell his side of the story.

Palin-Johnston Wedding is Off!  [The Mudflats]

Alaska: Engagement is off for Palin Daughter [NY Times]

Confirmed: Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston Split Up [AlterNet]

Maybe Levi will write a book and appear on Oprah too?   That would be delicious.

And remember kids, out of wedlock babies are only okay if you are ….

1. White

2. Republican

So don’t forget your birth control if you ain’t either!

Pic via.

If I were Oprah Winfrey, I would weigh 200 pounds too.

If I were Oprah Winfrey….

I would hire the Magnolia Bakery owner to bake treats for me 24 hours a day.

I would fund a news program that debunked every single lie that slithered out of sewage spewing mouths of Sean Hannity,  Rush Limbaugh and Mike Huckabee  The program would also highlight the incestuous connections that poison mainstream media.

I would give Joe Lieberman and Governor Hot Rod millions to retire.  Just go away!

I would make Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart have dinner with me once a month because no one says no to me.  They would have to dress up and perform skits written by me!

I would play passive aggressive practical jokes on  Rupert Murdoch, Tina Brown, Arianna Huffington and Jann Wenner.  Just because.

I would build a separate house and hire  a full-time dog walker  for my dog, Morpheus.

I would make Ben Silverman create a show around the Midwest Teen Sex Show.

I would find a way to have Donald Trump deported to Zimbabwe.  Ha ha Mugabe, he’s your problem now!

I would have Joe Conason read me bedtime stories.

I would have Grace Jones perform for me on my birthday.

I would buy a private island, rename it Oprahphenia and have people perform interpretative dances to win an invitation to be considered for a visit.

I would pay the following ‘actresses’ to stop ‘acting’:  Jessica Biel, Kate Hudson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton.  They can do ad campaigns and show up to nightclubs instead.

I would kill anyone who airs The Hills.  Not maim. Not blind with acid.  K-I-L-L. And most likely feed their body to Morpheus.

I would build a house with indoor plumbing, cable and the Internet here.

And I would have  fried chicken, chocolate cupcake and champagne for dinner every night!

Photo via american-buddha.com

Oprah is definitely going to be on ‘30 Rock’ this season!

She taped the episode last Saturday.  I am so excited and CANNOT WAIT for November 6th.  And no,  it’s not lost on me that this is the Thursday after Election Day so either I will need to watch ‘30 Rock’ to pull me out of a deep depression or continue a joyous celebration.

Oprah Tapes Her ‘30 Rock’ Guest Spot [Chicago Tribune]

Star Jones, please please stop everything you are doing and listen to Tallulah.

If your team of advisors have not said this to you, I will.

You need to step away from the wreckage of your public persona and be quiet for good three months. And that means you can’t respond to Barbara Walters commentary about your weight. See that picture of you before and after?

You WERE obese. There’s no need to pretend that you weren’t. Claim it. Claim it like you claimed your husband and your entitlement to having a big old fabulous wedding paid for by anyone else but you and Al.

Your sniping at Barbara Walters makes you seem petty and churlish:

“It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character.”

No, it’s a sad day that you have the time with a potentially nasty divorce looming (what stories can Al spill about you?) to speak out against someone who is basically responsible for your television personality career in the first place?

Here are some things you can do today to kinda sorta fix the situation in the short term:

• Fire the person who helped you disseminate that statement. This person is glad that you can pay him/her today but who knows what will happen if you never ever get a TV job or endorsement deal? You will become Star who. Fire them today.

• Go away for awhile. In order for you to rise like a phoenix from the ashes of this phase in your life, you need to go live a life far away from the 24 hour celebrity news cycle. Pick a foreign destination, call up a friend and park your new self and meditate on what you want for the next few years. Because you can’t want more of this, right?

• Very important – Acknowledge and accept that you are not as powerful as Barbara Walters and Oprah Winfrey. The mere fact that it didn’t give you pause that Barbara repeated her comments about your weight from her book to Oprah gives me pause! It wasn’t like two girls IMing — it was two cultural icons letting you know that, ultimately, you and your issues don’t matter to them. They are mere fodder for them to share with a million or more viewers. Once you get over the need to always be seen worthy, maybe you can pursue the qualities that make you a better you. (Some of my friends would say this is impossible because they really loathe you but I have hope.)

Maybe if you start with this, you can start making plans to take over for Larry King when he goes to the big microphone in the sky.

Of course, you don’t have to listen to me. But remember that you need to move forward in your life with some grace and dignity and not wallowing in negativity and anger.

TTFN,

Tallulah

Mariah Carey is going to be on Oprah today!

I wonder what she’s gonna wear? Will she be ….

over the top….

subtle and demure…

or crazy in that Mariah way?

Can’t wait to find out!

The Mariah Carey  Blitz is On (Extended Play)