Since #SteveHarvey was busted by his ex-wife for having no clue on…

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how to

1. have a healthy intimate relationship
2. end an intimate relationship with dignity and maturity

I’m stepping in as the Relationship Guru to the World.*  True, I’m woefully unqualified for the job but if Jersey Shore‘s Snooki can be a NY Times bestselling author, I can be a relationship guru. Here are  some quick takeaways  for those of you negotiating the sometimes rocky, sometimes sublime road to love, lust & whatevs.

First Dates

  • The person who asks pays for the date, BUT if the evening involves a nightcap or late night breakfast offer pay because it’s thoughtful and don’t we all want to be considered thoughtful?
  • And the first date shouldn’t be sharing a bottle of wine while watching South Park. Watching TV as a first date sets a very low bar for future dates even if you are broke.  If that’s a first date, what’s going to happen on date 239?  Be thoughtful and plan something engaging and fun.  In other words, make an effort. This includes showering, wearing clean clothes and being on time.
  • Pay attention.  People do tell us who they are; it’s our job to listen.  I once had a date with a personal trainer at my gym.  His biceps and thigh muscles compelled me to say yes. At dinner, he denigrated the mother of his son with such a ferocious intensity that, looking back, I realize I should have left him in that moment. But I didn’t. I continued on the date where we saw a French film that I can’t remember the name of, but I do remember that I liked the movie and he hated it and for that, he called me stupid.  True, I can be stupid about many things (e.g. my obsession with Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise), but I wasn’t being stupid about my reasons for liking the movie. I abruptly said good night and walked away.  Bad on me for not leaving sooner; good on me for hearing and acknowledging that he wasn’t the kind of man I wanted or needed in my life.   Here are some other scenarios where a first date should remain the only date:
*If your date is Antonio Cromartie, Tiger Woods, Paris Hilton, The Situation, Sarah Jessica Parker, Camille Grammer, Snooki, Ben Roethlisberger or Charlie Sheen.
*If your date thinks 7-11 is too expensive. 

*If your date doesn’t have any books in his/her apartment, run. (Credit due to the brilliant John Waters for this one.)

*If your date is still living or having sex with an ex.

*If your date is co-parenting with a deranged and/or jealous ex.  You will never have a relationship that won’t involve the ex.  There will never be an us, it will always be a we. No one deserves that kind of life.

*If your date has unresolved anger issues.  Unless you are a trained therapist, it’s not your job to work with the emotionally damaged.

  • If you really really really want to, have sex on the first date.  Just don’t be surprised or bitter if that night of sex doesn’t lead to a return phone call, a  long-term relationship and/or marriage.

Next time, the Relationship Guru to the World will cover Transitioning into a Relationship.

Aren’t you glad that Steve Harvey is toast as a relationship expert?

Comedian Steve Harvey attacked by ex-wife on YouTube [Reuters]
Steve Harvey’s Ex-Wife Puts Him On Blast For Cheating 15-Times… [Bossip]
Steve Harvey’s ex-wife blasts comedians on YouTube [CNN, yes CNN]

Pic via.