Since #SteveHarvey was busted by his ex-wife for having no clue on…

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http://tallulahbankhead.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/stevemaryharvey.jpg?w=195

how to

1. have a healthy intimate relationship
2. end an intimate relationship with dignity and maturity

I’m stepping in as the Relationship Guru to the World.*  True, I’m woefully unqualified for the job but if Jersey Shore‘s Snooki can be a NY Times bestselling author, I can be a relationship guru. Here are  some quick takeaways  for those of you negotiating the sometimes rocky, sometimes sublime road to love, lust & whatevs.

First Dates

  • The person who asks pays for the date, BUT if the evening involves a nightcap or late night breakfast offer pay because it’s thoughtful and don’t we all want to be considered thoughtful?
  • And the first date shouldn’t be sharing a bottle of wine while watching South Park. Watching TV as a first date sets a very low bar for future dates even if you are broke.  If that’s a first date, what’s going to happen on date 239?  Be thoughtful and plan something engaging and fun.  In other words, make an effort. This includes showering, wearing clean clothes and being on time.
  • Pay attention.  People do tell us who they are; it’s our job to listen.  I once had a date with a personal trainer at my gym.  His biceps and thigh muscles compelled me to say yes. At dinner, he denigrated the mother of his son with such a ferocious intensity that, looking back, I realize I should have left him in that moment. But I didn’t. I continued on the date where we saw a French film that I can’t remember the name of, but I do remember that I liked the movie and he hated it and for that, he called me stupid.  True, I can be stupid about many things (e.g. my obsession with Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise), but I wasn’t being stupid about my reasons for liking the movie. I abruptly said good night and walked away.  Bad on me for not leaving sooner; good on me for hearing and acknowledging that he wasn’t the kind of man I wanted or needed in my life.   Here are some other scenarios where a first date should remain the only date:
*If your date is Antonio Cromartie, Tiger Woods, Paris Hilton, The Situation, Sarah Jessica Parker, Camille Grammer, Snooki, Ben Roethlisberger or Charlie Sheen.
*If your date thinks 7-11 is too expensive. 

*If your date doesn’t have any books in his/her apartment, run. (Credit due to the brilliant John Waters for this one.)

*If your date is still living or having sex with an ex.

*If your date is co-parenting with a deranged and/or jealous ex.  You will never have a relationship that won’t involve the ex.  There will never be an us, it will always be a we. No one deserves that kind of life.

*If your date has unresolved anger issues.  Unless you are a trained therapist, it’s not your job to work with the emotionally damaged.

  • If you really really really want to, have sex on the first date.  Just don’t be surprised or bitter if that night of sex doesn’t lead to a return phone call, a  long-term relationship and/or marriage.

Next time, the Relationship Guru to the World will cover Transitioning into a Relationship.

Aren’t you glad that Steve Harvey is toast as a relationship expert?

Comedian Steve Harvey attacked by ex-wife on YouTube [Reuters]
Steve Harvey’s Ex-Wife Puts Him On Blast For Cheating 15-Times… [Bossip]
Steve Harvey’s ex-wife blasts comedians on YouTube [CNN, yes CNN]

Pic via.

Must watch TV for 2010-2011 season

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I watch a lot of television for the following reasons:

1. Other people can’t pay money to come to my house to watch with me.

2. I control the snack & alcohol selection.

3. Sometimes what’s on TV is actually good (e.g. Mad Men, 30 Rock, The Pacific, Glee, The Good Wife)

But my joyful engagement with television can’t be matched with my EXCITEMENT for the upcoming TV season.  It’s like the industry’s development executives leapt into my dreams and pillaged every single idea I ever had AND I’m so glad they did!  Here’s my list for Must Watch TV 2010-2011 season:

So You Think You Want Healthcare? (Fox)
Fox’s development minions are geniuses for creating a game show where real Americans can compete for 1 year of free healthcare. Contestants may be asked to recite Shakespearean sonnets from memory, recount the personal histories of the Founding Fathers, explain British Parliament rules or name all 50 states.  The sky’s the limit. Please note that there will be no questions about pop culture in this show.

Y’all Ain’t Ever Gonna Get Married (BET)
Steve Harvey and Jimi Izrael pick up where they left off on Nightline‘s summit on why black women remain so damn unlovable for this ground-breaking sitcom.  Each week, viewers will watch Harvey and Izrael sit in a bar and bitch about black women.  And look out for some very special guests from the worlds of sports and entertainment to explain why “Y’all Ain’t Ever Gonna Get Married!”

Cray Cray (Bravo)
Bravo takes delusion to the nth degree by putting Kelly Bensimon of  The Real Housewives of New York and Danielle Staub of The Real Housewives of New Jersey IN THE SAME HOUSE.  Who will win the fight for the last Zoloft?  Who will seduce the sexy barely legal pool boy…and his twin brother?  Which one of the their children will ask to be emancipated before the season is over? Tune in and find out!

Celebrity Sex Tapes Design (E!)
This hard hitting docuseries plumbs the depths of Hollywood to find the hard working art and production designers of celebrity sex tapes from the last 1o years. Shag carpets, mood lighting and heart shaped pillows don’t show up on set  by themselves, people! The designers will also discuss their ideas for future celebrity sex tapes featuring enactments.  Can’t wait!

Haiti (PBS)
An international team of NGOs commit to work with the Haitian government to provide a working infrastructure for Haiti from housing to education, the Haiti team will create real world solutions to Haiti’s challenges.  Bill Clinton,  George W. Bush and Wyclef Jean can raise money, but will be banned from entering the country during the 10 year period Haiti will air.

Facebook, Yeah that’s all we got (NBC)
NBC has given up all hope and will just ask Facebook users to send in videos of them making status updates.  Guaranteed to be better than The Marriage Ref.

After watching clips of #Nightline’s Face-off last night… I have a Relationship 101 Tip….

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Everyone needs to stop pretending that being dysfunctional is their right.

What some people believe in as an example of well-adjusted behavior is
repulsive (e.g. lying about who is the father of your child, impregnating another woman while married, getting pregnant by another man while married, blatant cheating, playing your ex against a current boyfriend or girlfriend, misanthropic & misogynistic attitudes, using children as pawns to punish spouses/lovers, having sex with an in-law, blaming the world for all personal problems, immaturity.)

If you want to start on a path towards healthier self-esteem, it is mandatory to claim your phuckedupness and at least attempt to grow from the awareness.

Why Can’t A Successful Black Woman Find A Man? [Nightline]