Casting 90210.

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https://i0.wp.com/ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51X3N3R5K1L._AA280_.jpgToday, while watching an episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 (It was the one where Brenda decides to go to college back east and there was a wild going away party at a beach house and David was lusting to take Donna’s virginity. Sorry, I’ll stop), I remembered that there are plans to reanimate this testament to the power of Aaron Spelling, excellent casting of spitfire Shannen Doherty and that elusive yet necessary zeitgeist mojo that made the original a trend factory.

Now that I know the character breakdowns, I can offer my casting suggestions. I’m sure the spinoff producers have been waiting for this.

Character: Tabitha Mills, actress/alcoholic matriarch
Actor: Donna Mills
Why: Donna Mills playing an alcoholic actress who has slept with everything that has moved in Hollywood for the last 20 years is more than I can hope for in this world. Please, please let me get what I want.

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Character: Harrison Mills, Tabitha’s goody two shoes son
Actor: Ivan Sergei
Why: Because he’s fine and I want to make out of wedlock babies with him.

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Character: Celia Mills, Harrison’s wife, an Olympic athlete
Actor: Charisma Carpenter
Why: For some reason, I’ve always liked her in Buffy and Angel.

 

Character: Annie Mills, 16 year old biological daughter of Celia and Harrison
Actor: Vivien Cardone
Why: She was so good as Delia on Everwood, she deserves another TV show.

 

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Character: Dixon Mills, 16 year old adopted son of Celia and Harrison, guessing he will be a chick magnet
Actor: Evan Ross
Why: They call him Mr. Ross. Seriously, can’t you see his mother making a very special appearance on the show as a long lost relative coming to claim him but he doesn’t want to leave his adopted parents because he loves them so much?

 

 

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Character: Daphne Silver, wannabe socialite who befriends Annie and has a crush on Dixon.
Actor: Sarah Steele
Why: She was tender, sweet and believable as a teenager who is a disappointment to her mother yet beloved by her father in Spanglish. She has a quality that doesn’t make me cringe.

 

Character: Max Silver, 24 year old brother to Daphne & manager of family movie theater
Actor: Jesse Eisenberg
Why: He looks like he could be Sarah Steele’s big brother.

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Character: Ethan Ward
Actor: Channing Tatum
Why: Isn’t he the cutest thing?

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Character: Naomi Bennett, the hot rich ex-girlfriend to Ethan
Actor: Camille Winbush
Why: Good actors need work!

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    The other side of Jamie Lynn Spears and Juno.*

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    I adore this baby because it’s not in my house, crying at 3 a.m. to be fed
    and then expecting me to change its diaper.

    Slate’s Emily Yoffe has a thought-provoking article on out of wedlock births in light of the fantastic box office returns of Juno and Jamie Lynn Spears‘ teen pregnancy.

    I highly recommend that everyone read it because the children are the future. What frightens Tallulah in the article? The letters from unwed mothers on their all too common status. Read on…

    “Having a child will be stressful and life altering enough. Parents need to work on their relationship on their time schedule.” “I feel that a baby is its own blessing. Have that blessing before you get married.” “How dare you imply that an unexpected pregnancy should lead to marriage? You are simply out of touch with modern culture.”

    WTF? WHY SHOULDN’T A BABY LEAD TO MARRIAGE OR AT LEAST A STABLE TWO PARENT HOME? WHY IS IT OKAY TO CONTEMPLATE GETTING KNOCKED UP WITH A DUDE BUT NOT CONTEMPLATE HAVING A FAMILY WITH A DUDE? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE SELECTED BABY DADDY? ALSO, IF AN UNEXPECTED PREGNANCY DOESN’T LEAD TO SOME KIND OF LONG TERM COMMITMENT FROM THE PARENTS, DON’T GET UPSET WHEN YOUR BABY DADDY STARTS DATING (AND POSSIBLY PROCREATING) WITH SOMEONE THAT ISN’T YOU. OF COURSE THIS CAN HAPPEN EVEN WITH A MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE BUT THAT’S A RISK YOU TAKE WHEN PLAYING BABY ROULETTE.

    More…

    “My boyfriend and I have a 4-year-old son. We’ve broken up but realized that we truly are meant for one another. My father was diagnosed with stage four cancer last year, and I’ve made it known to my boyfriend how important it is for me to have my father with me when I get married. When I bring up marriage to my boyfriend his reply is we will get married, I promise, but he has not asked me.”

    USING SOMEONE’S CANCER FOR A RING IS A PATHETIC PLOY AND SOMETHING I THOUGHT ONLY HAPPENED ON SOAP OPERAS. IF I WERE THIS WOMAN’S BOYFRIEND, I WOULD LAUGH IN HER FACE. HERE’S MY ADVICE TO HER AND OTHERS LIKE HER: MAKE UP YOUR MIND. IF MARRIAGE IS THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU AND YOUR BABY DADDY HAS NO INTENTION OF FOLLOWING THROUGH, DECIDE IF YOU CAN LIVE WITH THAT OR IF YOU NEED TO MOVE ON. I’M NOT SAYING CUT HIM OUT THE CHILD’S LIFE OR FIND PETTY, MANIPULATIVE, VINDICTIVE WAYS TO PUNISH HIM FOR NOT CHOOSING YOU. I AM SAYING MAKE A CHOICE THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE A TERMINAL ILLNESS TO GET AN ADULT MALE TO MAKE A LIFETIME COMMITMENT TO YOU AS THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD.

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    “My ex is rather immature and irresponsible. I had a recent fling with him that resulted in pregnancy. I am overjoyed with the impending arrival of my baby, but I fear that no one else in my life will feel the same way.”

    NO SHIT, BABY MAMA. I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW IF SHE’S TOLD MR. IMMATURE AND IRRESPONSIBLE OF HER PLANS. MY BABY, INDEED. WONDER IF SHE’S GOING TO BE SAYING MY BABY WHEN SHE’S IN COURT TRYING TO GET HER EX TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT.

    I need to stop reading these letters because they make my head hurt. Why should I care that some people choose to take on the burden of single parenthood? I care because children of unmarried parents start off life with a major disadvantage that impacts how they are socialized and perform in school. It’s heartbreaking to see children lost before they’ve even had a chance to thrive. I’m being  ajudgmental scold because I believe why should children suffer because their parents feel having a plan is something for other people to do.  I don’t care what happens in Juno…out of wedlock parenthood is not cute in that fake hipster indie way.  And I HATE THAT MOLDY PEACHES SONG THEY PERFORM AT THE END OF THE MOVIE, TOO.

    *I have not seen Juno because I like to use my discretionary income for birth control.

    Girl meets boy. Girl marries boy. Girl tearfully supports boy after he’s accused of rape.

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    Darlene Rodriguez, anchorwoman of WNBC-TV's 'Today in New York,' was in tears outside the courtroom before her husband's arraignment on rape charges.

    via NY Daily News

    I wonder what marriage does to some people to make them do the things they do.

    The latest hit to heterosexual matrimony comes from the case of WNBC-TV’s anchor Darlene Rodriguez and her husband New Rochelle Police Sgt. David Rodriguez. According to the NY Daily News,

    Authorities say Rodriguez’s husband, New Rochelle Sgt. David Rodriguez, raped a 17-year-old girl inside her home last month, a day after he helped arrest her live-in boyfriend.

    The incident began on Feb. 8, when cops were called to the teenager’s house because of a report of a fight. Rodriguez was off-duty at the time.

    The officers arrested the girl’s 35-year-old boyfriend on an assault charge, New Rochelle police said.

    He was released on bail and the police were called again that same night.

    This time, Rodriguez was one of four officers who arrested the abusive beau for violating an order of protection, police said.

    Two days later, the girl claimed an off-duty Rodriguez returned to her home the next morning and attacked her.

    “He engaged the victim and forcibly raped her,” New Rochelle Police Commissioner Patrick Carroll said.

    Here’s the part that makes me think he did it…when do cops arrest one of their own so quickly? I imagine that the New Rochelle Police Department would do everything in their power to squash this if it were deemed to be the talk of a vengeful teenager. I hope I’m wrong but if I’m not, Mrs. Rodriguez might want to call Silda Wall for coping tips on how to survive a husband’s twisted views on fidelity.

    Source.