This is an excerpt from ad for a roommate to share a Williamsburg loft on Craigslist.
You are fucking awesome. You are the housemate anyone would want. You have conversations with your housemates as well as have your own personal life out side of us. You laugh at jokes, have a great sense of humor but are not fake, flakey, full of shit, or pretend. You already know how great the neighborhood is and have friends you see all the time around the way. You are a girl or guy with a great sense of personal care. You make nasty in the bathroom you light incense. You make mac n’ cheese you do the dishes and maybe even the single cup the person before you left behind. You have a passion for something creative that you honestly peruse. You don’t say you are a writer, you have 6 chapters done and working on number 7. You don’t say you are a painter, you have awesome art that your housemates love to see and talk about. You are open to new ideas, music, people, foods, and art. You don’t have any pets. You don’t have some dependant boyfriend or girlfriend that is always sitting on our couch and eating my cereal. You are trustworthy, respectful, honest, and neat. At least neat in common areas. You shower, wear deodorant, brush your teeth, do laundry and even bust out the broom and murder some dust bunnies. You are not a couch potato.
You have a handful of awesome friends that are respectful and nice to your housemates also. Your friends don’t come over to often and they and you ask if someone can sleep on the couch. You do not use drugs. You do not lie and say you don’t drugs then actually do. Trust me we will find out if you do. I repeat you do not have some sketchy delivery guy dropping off little white bags of death at 6 in the morning at my home with a few asshole friends. You do occasionally smoke some greens and share with your roommates. Occasionally not excessively. You are not whiney. You are not gossipy. Your are not a slut, you are not a douche bag. You work a job or two. You have a job with perks we can all use. You pay attention to sound and alarms. Your are over all CONSIDERATE ABOUT THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU. You do not smoke cigarettes in our home. You use apple computers and read vice magazine. You are not too old, you are not too young. You are not a drama king or drama queen. You are not an asshole. And you think this apartment sounds like the best place for you.
Whenever I go to Williamsburg, I try really hard not to loathe the place and the people who live there. Ultimately, I fail. The same question pops into my brain with every visit:
are all you mofos delusional? It’s remote, filthy and overpopulated with super crappy apartment buildings and people who would have done anything to avoid living there 15-20 years ago.
There is something to be said about outlining your hopes, dreams and wishes for a housemate but not once did this hipster version of Dwight Schrute stop to think that his wishlist for roomie perfection might turn people off to the idea of living with him in the house of cool.