I hate job ads like this.

Standard

Tallulah believes in her heart that when the economy craters, it brings out the inner sociopath of some employers.   It’s these cranks with an office who become so damn gleeful that they can justify torturing another human being  who desperately needs a  paycheck.  The kind of people who believe that an assistant’s main job is to wipe their nose and ass, answer the phones, plan a party, write a proposal, create a budget and whatever else they can devise in their reptilian, narcissistic brains.

So I saw this Craigslist ad and it just made me shudder at the thought of anyone being subjected to this definitive circle of hell:

Busy media executive seeks a production coordinator/office assistant. You will be responsible for scheduling appointments and calls, coordinating travel arrangements, booking events, corresponding with other executives, sorting through and dealing with incoming messages, answering the phone, managing the database and anything that comes up in this fast-paced environment.

We are looking for someone interested in new media and production – we do both! This is an exceptional opportunity for someone looking to break into the business.

***And your salary will be deferred.  Is that okay?

Please apply if the following describes you:

Strong Communicator – you understand the importance of communicating your ideas in a professional, polished and concise manner. You have a strong phone presence and your e-mails aren’t filled with slang and typos!

Detail oriented – you are organized and meticulous, everything has a place!

***I can’t work if I know that you aren’t holding the phone at a 45 degree angle and if you go outside for lunch EVER, it will cause me to break out in hives.

Motivated – you understand it’s hard to get ahead in this business but you can’t imagine doing anything else. You’re willing to work your way up and contribute in any way you can!

***Yeah I want a nutjob who will stab your co-workers (and hopefully) boss in the back for a promotion.

Artistic/Creative – you can take a blank piece of paper or media and create magic!

***For a deferred salary.

Tech Savvy – you own a Mac and carry it around with you everywhere you go! And, you blog or at least have a few favorite ones you visit regularly.

***We don’t have a computer for you and we don’t plan on buying you one to work here.

Skills – you can handle the phone ringing, the e-mail box filling up, and your boss requesting immediate assistance and you immediately, but it doesn’t bother you – you’re a multi-tasker and you work well under pressure.

***Slave.

Besides MS Word, Excel and Powerpoint what other software programs are you proficient in Final Cut and Photoshop a plus!

***Yep, the salary is still deferred.

Do you have any production experience? Why do you want to be in this business? What do you hope to accomplish? Tell us in your cover letter.

This is a small office so it’s essential that you work well with others and have a great sense of humor and take constructive criticism as an opportunity to learn and improve.

***You will be expected to sit under my desk and be damned thrilled about it.

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