Cheesy Song of the Day, November 24:
Yesterday, I went to see Lincoln. It was over the top in its adulation of Lincoln but not over the top in contemplating and fighting for the moral, financial and future stakes of the United States of America. It’s good for people who feel so free to see the men that lived in abject terror of anyone who was not a wealthy white man having the vote. It’s a beautiful reminder of why democracy is so fragile.
I went to BAM because the first showing is $8.00. I love a bargain! And although I was hoping that everyone else would be getting their Black Friday foolishness on, I was wrong. Sold out! Surrounded by couples taking advantage of the day off to see a matinee. Ugh. Couples are not the enemy but since I’m not dating anyone, couples make me sad. They are a living reminder that I’m lonely. When I say it aloud, it hurts more. Confronted with physical reminders, I want anything to help me forget it. Movies, music, wine. Anything.
Except a one night stand. The thought of having a one night stand to escape the loneliness makes me kinda ill. It would be like a temporary balm to remind me that I’m longing for more and I don’t have a place where to find it. The show Girls is awful — it’s so insular — there’s no air for these women who want so much yet offer so little. But there was one line in the show that resonated with me:
“I just want someone who wants to have sex with me all the time and thinks I’m awesome and only wants to hang out with me.”
That’s what I want too. And it’s so hard to find. Or I don’t even know where to look for such a thing. I thought I had it but I was wrong.
Okay so I went to the movies to shut out my loneliness and then it was in my face with all the couples. And then I came home, had a cocktail and then went to asleep. A deep wondrous truthful sleep. Earplugs, sleep mask and no TV lulling me to sleep. Sleeping with the TV on is a guarantee of a shitty night’s sleep without dreams. Last night’s dream reminded me why I do it. I dreamed I was with the Fool and I said ‘I love you very very much.’ And the Fool didn’t answer. And that was that. In my deepest subconscious that’s the problem. I love someone who can’t reciprocate and it makes me sad and lonely and broken inside. I’m tired of being sad about it but don’t know how to get away from it or be at peace with it.
And that’s why I don’t want to listen to my heart. I want my heart to be like stone. And it won’t. My heart won’t let my heart be like stone.