don’t f**k the sleazy french guys….

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I haven’t had sex in eight months.  This is by design. I don’t want to have empty vapid I can’t wait to get away from you after I came sex. (This is in my top 10 of awful feelings.)  I’m protecting my psyche & vagina from the horror of fucking someone, believing  that I may like them (thoughts are powerful mood magnets!)  and then having them reject me.  I don’t have the nerves to withstand that emotional shitstorm.

I’m in limbo ….I want attraction, love, kissing, touching, brain connection but I want it to be meaningful. Mindblowing.   And there are no prospects on the horizon.  Or maybe I’m too emotional to even see a prospect? Maybe I can’t even give that kind of healthiness to anyone? Maybe I’m looking for a satisfying love affair when I could be casting for a few short term rebounds?

Emotional neediness + horniness + heartbreak = gunshy me

This is where some bullshit generic romcom meet cute would help. And even that’s selfish.  I’m not ready to fall in love with anyone but my body is ready to fuck someone and I’m fighting my body on this because it doesn’t feel right.  It feels phony.  It feels like a mistake.  It feels like I might confuse fucking with like and I don’t need that in my life, right now.

I guess I’m proud of myself for saying no to a few guys over the last 8 months because in my gut, heart, it didn’t feel right.  I’m just not in the space to play pretend for an orgasm.  Or a kiss. Or a 24/7 f*ck session.

If only knowing this helped to alleviate the horniness.

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