This month, it will be a year since I’ve had sex. I find sex without trust emotionally disruptive – so I’ve been closed off from random opportunities.
Right now, I’m wondering how do men experience me. Because I don’t know what else to do to get them to experience me as sexy, vital and present. Or even approachable. And the temptation to do nothing is present. Always present. But that leads to fear, doubt and anxiety. I’m conflicted because I know I don’t want to be alone forever and I know I don’t want to do the dreaded conceding to what I value most in a romantic relationship i.e. choosing to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally damaging to me and/or themselves. But at a certain point, conceding may be the only alternative to profound loneliness.
I feel like I give off the energy of someone who has everyone’s number. Contempt before investigation may be fucking me up. Royally.
I don’t know where to even begin to change this.