After reading The Most Embarrassing Person You’ve Ever Had Sex With, I’m reconsidering all of those likes. Because holy horny shit show, people will fuck anything that moves. For example….
Late bloomer here who segued into having a lot of partners and I only have one experience that I regret. That was when I was on a mission to have a one-night stand, got really drunk and didn’t notice the nazi tattoos on the dude I banged until I sobered up the next morning.
I plan to use it as a cautionary tale forever. “If you want to have sex, perhaps do not get so drunk that you cannot tell the difference between a flower tattoo and a swastika. Because you must forever live with the knowledge that you humped a neo-nazi.”
Young lady approached me on the bus—
—that this started on the bus should have been a warning sign—
—and asked me if anyone had ever told me I look like Tom Petty. Brain and Heart are yelling, “You’re in no shape, emotionally, to be doing anything right now!” And Penis says, “Hang on, we got this. Be cool.”
One meal at a diner and soon we’re back at her place. Piles of dirty clothes, empty glasses, and stuff that has to be shoved off the bed. Brain and Heart are screaming, “Run! This is why you started therapy, because you make it all about sex!” And Penis says, “S’all good, just ride the wave, man.”
Sex, shower, and laying together on the bed. The clock radio is playing an ad in one of the local elections. I say to her, “I’ll be glad when this election is over.”
And she says, “Well, we can’t vote out that Muslim in the White House, so—”
At this point, Brain and Heart are curled up, mumbling gibberish. Penis finally says, “Uh, good luck, buddy,” and exits the mental process. One panic attack later, I’m out the door and walking home because the bus doesn’t feel like a good idea.
I fucked the groundskeeper in the garden shed of the church next door to my house. He was hot in a Vincent D’Onofrio Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead kind of way. He was 6’4″ and muscular but a little soft around the middle, with a hairy butt and a girthsome dick. He had thick hair and long eyelashes. He bent me around like I was a pretzel and even held me upside down by my ankles. He called me a slut and pulled my hair and punctuated each. filthy. word. he. growled. in. my. ear. with a hard thrust.
Right?!!! It was sooooo goooood.
I didn’t know he only bathed one day a year — which happened to be the day that I fucked him, and the day he went off his meds. I went on vacation for two weeks the day after. I couldn’t WAIT to get back. Well, I could smell him from 50 yards away the day I got back. He was mumbling and cutting the oranges off a tree with these huge shears. He looked at me like he had no idea who I was. My neighbors were all like, “Yeah, that dude is fucking CREEPY. He lives in that shed. Did you know that? And that serial killer van with all the parking tickets? His.” I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
Yes, I had told all of my friends about this SUPER hot guy who was the best sex in my life.
Yes, I planned a BBQ so they all could meet him.
Yes, they saw him and will make fun of me the rest of my life.
Yes, I fucked Funky Joe again…all summer…in his serial killer van — until the cops took him away in handcuffs for being all crazy. My friends don’t know that part.
Hello Companionship, Love, Affection, Fighting, Passion and Penis, it’s Tallulah B and I’m out.
I read a lot. Sometimes too much. When a recent internet outage cut me off from my precious digital world, I didn’t stop reading. The first time in years I read the NY Times in hard copy, too. Wooh!
No matter the form, what I love about reading is the rabbit holes that a good article or post can lead me down. Some would call those rabbit holes a time suck but thanks to recognizing the need of a time management and tracking tool (thanks, Google Keep!) and using it, I’ve learned how to incorporate new information and interests without feeling inefficient or lazy.
Here are the blogs that led me down many good, enriching rabbit holes last year….
Black Book Confessions – Who doesn’t love a no holds barred dating blog? Ella North rides the waves of Tinder swooning, first date sex, romantic doubt and certainty with verve and honesty. Many lessons learned (and implemented), thanks to her willingness to share the ups and downs of modern dating.
Sex and the City of Light – My appreciation and affection for the Sex and the City series makes it very hard to ignore this blog chronicling one woman’s amorous adventures and meetups in one of the most romantic cities in the world? Roxy, I’m drinking the bubbly and reading.
Kindness Blog – The world is going to stay confusing, maddening, joyful, rage-inducing, thoughtful, carny. Practicing and cultivating kindness is a good habit to incorporate into your life and the Kindness Blog makes it easy for me to do so. Yes, even when I’m pissed and want to choke the living shit out of someone.
Marc and Angel Hack Life – For the same reasons that I indulge in the Kindness Blog but this is the most important reason of all. Excerpt from ’28 Ways to Uncomplicate Your Relationships’:
Stop being insensitive. – Always be kinder than you feel. Yes, be waaaay kinder than necessary. You never know what someone is going through. If you cannot speak a kind word, say nothing at all.
There is so much more to say and be in our lives but what a wonderful place to start.
That’s my list — what’s on yours?
When life seemed bleak, ho hum or a depressing combo of both, I had a few songs to crank up to 11 to remember gratitude and tweak my emotional world.
Because dancing helps.
Love songs make me swoon. Even when I’m at my most bitter, cynical self, I still believe in falling and staying love. What can I do with this belief?
When has anger sounded so bouncy?
This is for every couple who need to break up but are afraid to take that step. I guess I play this to remind myself I don’t want that to be my world again.
My heart lifts when I hear it.
Mariah. Today, tomorrow, forever.
Practicing kindness with others can’t happen if you don’t remember to practice kindness and generosity with yourself.
- The Pocket app! Think of it as an iPod for magazine articles. Waiting on line at Trader Joe’s, on the subway, anytime I have downtime, I know Pocket has something I want to read. Joy!!!
- The kind of conversation where the truth is sad and hilarious and you wouldn’t have it any other way.
- Pulling is the show that Girls wishes it could be – brutally funny, raw with characters who have no redemption but become likeable. You can watch for free on Hulu.
- The entirety of ‘Black Messiah’ by D’Angelo and the Vanguard but especially
- For a good time, get some Trader Joe’s Egg Nog ice cream. Trust me. If I controlled the universe, thinking about it would make it magically appear in my freezer.
I love a good cover.