…and the movie was sad and a reminder why the last year has been difficult. It’s hard to be lonely. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m lonely or if I’m pining for Nate. Maybe it’s both? Either way, the year has been tough. The holidays are even tougher. I don’t tell myself how the holidays should be or what I should expect to feel — I just feel. And I feel awful. Sad, depressed and lonely. I’m kinda hoping to feel less next year. Or maybe to try to not feel as awful as I do.
The recommendation of becoming comfortable with loneliness and not to fight it but to observe it is good but difficult to practice as often as I need to. Or would hope to. I don’t know why I can’t be loved. And that makes me very sad.
I didn’t know this was featured in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid for years. Seriously. I loved the song from the first listen; I had zero interest in the movie. Twenty years after the movie was released, I finally watched it. Enjoyed it immensely. Something is definitely wrong with me.
Can anyone describe the weak in the knees feeling? I’m curious. I want to go weak when there’s a fainting couch to catch me, but not on a subway platform, you know? And maybe, it will be the kind of weak that’s romantic and not in horror. I am a fool. Pretending that I can control the when, where and why of the going to pass out feeling. A fool!
There is no shame in my saying that we all want to be loved by someone. As I look back over my life in romance, I don’t feel I’ve ever had that. I have been the only one that was unaware of the fraud in a few of these circumstances blindly. When you get divorced, all the truths that come out, you sit there and you go, What the fuck was I doing? What was I doing believing that this person was invested in this way? Which is a fantastically strong humiliation in the best sense. It can make somebody very bitter and very hard and closed off, but I find it does the opposite to me.