There is no shame in my saying that we all want to be loved by someone. As I look back over my life in romance, I don’t feel I’ve ever had that. I have been the only one that was unaware of the fraud in a few of these circumstances blindly. When you get divorced, all the truths that come out, you sit there and you go, What the fuck was I doing? What was I doing believing that this person was invested in this way? Which is a fantastically strong humiliation in the best sense. It can make somebody very bitter and very hard and closed off, but I find it does the opposite to me.
…so I resisted it. I think Colbie Caillat is a great songwriter, but there’s something about her singing that irks me. I can’t articulate it yet. Today, as I was dancing to the song, I see that the singer isn’t Colbie Caillat.
And the clouds parted.
I’m resisting something with a fierce stubborness that makes me happy because of something I can’t even define AND because I’m as wrong as a giraffe using the toilet. There is a lesson in this. I will take the lesson and revel in the relief that it’s Sara Bareilles!
A few days ago, crossing the bridge on the Q train, I discovered that I can download ringtones like a fiend. And even more fun? Assigning the ringtones to specific callers! This dreamy love song was the first assigned song…..and I get so happy every time it rings.
Hi, my name is Tallulah Bankhead and I’m a Mariah Carey stan. I don’t know how or when it happened but here we are. I even like that duet she did with Ferret Minaj. There’s no turning back now. I accept my position in life. I will not need your prayers, I have Mimi protecting me.
Recently, I had a friend bail on a date. We made plans to meet up and I put aside my anal-retentive nature and let him follow up with the details. The appointed meeting time came and went. And then I got a cowardly text full of apologies and regret. The words didn’t matter because what I heard was: I’m pathetic, I don’t have my shit together, won’t you be super duper understanding of my patheticness because well I’m pathetic and you aren’t.
I think I responded with something flippant because I was so pissed, I deleted all the texts. My friend has a complicated life — he’s co-parenting with two women who don’t seem to like him. (Caveat: I’ve only heard his side of the story.) From conversations with him, I’ve learned that co-parenting is hard; co-parenting when the parents don’t seem to have any residue of affection between them is a hellish challenge.
I guess what pissed me off is if my friend isn’t really available to show up for friendship, why not say so? I would prefer he told me straight out that his life doesn’t allow him to socialize, that his life is dictated by co-parenting challenges that take precedence. I resent it when people in my social circle say they will show up yet flake. I have a low tolerance level for that kind of disappointment. It makes me feel like the burden is on me to be super understanding of a person’s limitations while making me feel angry (if you told me you couldn’t come, I would have made other plans) and conflicted (why can’t I be more understanding that you are in a shitty life circumstance? Isn’t that how to be a good friend? But why not expect thoughtfulness of my time & feelings?). See?
After this trip down the expectations and friendship rabbit hole, I thought of Brandy’s ‘Sittin’ Up In My Room’. It’s just easier if I make my own fun and not worry about having a friend accompany me.