I feel weird that I want to have someone in my life that I can share this kind of stuff with and who looks forward to doing the same with/for me. I feel weird and worried about it because sometimes, I don’t know if it’s going to happen. I worry that I can do my best, become the bestest me ever and somehow, that piece of life with heads over heels love, trust and fidelity will elude me.
every time it snows, i become a romantic. it’s bizarre but kinda sweet.
what i want and what i need may be two different things.
I apologize — I have missed some cheesy songs selections. They are selected — I’ve just been busy with work stuff to do the posting. I promise to post them all before 2012 comes to a definitive close. I heard today’s Cheesy Song on a Classic R&B radio channel and my gut is saying I heard it at the right time. Pause for a moment of hardcore bloggus narcissisus.
As I was reviewing the events and song selections of the past 11 months, I started to feel that my subconscious self (?) selected songs that provided a safe, distancing buffer for how emotionally devastated I was (and in some ways) still am. A cushion for my heart. Dianne Reeves ‘Company’ comes to mind. I selected it in February at a particularly low point, but I listened to it today and it’s meaning for me became a little bit clearer.
I’ve been carrying a lot of fear that was dressed up to look like cosy comfortable company. Now that I know the fear is the fear, what do I do? Especially if it’s not so eager to jump into the memory chest?
I select the song because my emotions are too close for comfort. Anxiety, insecurity, doubt, worry, fear, more anxiety are all at the surface and I want to shake them off. For good. But that’s not life, right? In my rational mind, I know that my feelings aren’t facts, just temporary phases. But in my emotional vulnerable needy mind, I just want a security blanket.