I feel weird that I want to have someone in my life that I can share this kind of stuff with and who looks forward to doing the same with/for me. I feel weird and worried about it because sometimes, I don’t know if it’s going to happen. I worry that I can do my best, become the bestest me ever and somehow, that piece of life with heads over heels love, trust and fidelity will elude me.
every time it snows, i become a romantic. it’s bizarre but kinda sweet.
what i want and what i need may be two different things.
There is no shame in my saying that we all want to be loved by someone. As I look back over my life in romance, I don’t feel I’ve ever had that. I have been the only one that was unaware of the fraud in a few of these circumstances blindly. When you get divorced, all the truths that come out, you sit there and you go, What the fuck was I doing? What was I doing believing that this person was invested in this way? Which is a fantastically strong humiliation in the best sense. It can make somebody very bitter and very hard and closed off, but I find it does the opposite to me.
A few days ago, crossing the bridge on the Q train, I discovered that I can download ringtones like a fiend. And even more fun? Assigning the ringtones to specific callers! This dreamy love song was the first assigned song…..and I get so happy every time it rings.
I imagine that James started out as an undateable yet attractive alcoholic and somehow, someway the girl in the song thought she could change him. She convinced herself that she could remake him into a loving, mature boyfriend who wasn’t an emotional and/or life doofus. And after another no show date, another lie, another reality check that James was very comfortable being oblivious and lackadaisical participant in his own life, this song was written and performed with just the right mixture of indignation, rage and what am I doing with this jackass introspection.